Inside Myself

by Sean Dean

(The Gender Centre advise that this article may not be current and as such certain content, including but not limited to persons, contact details and dates may not apply. Where legal authority or medical related matters are cited, responsibility lies with the reader to obtain the most current relevant legal authority and/or medical publication.)

Out of the closet, flying high in a natural way to happiness. For the first time in my life I feel balanced and content with myself. Also, what a wonderful feeling to be honest to myself. Emotionally and spiritually I am a man who accepts my feminine side. I believe every human being has both a feminine and masculine side. I always felt from deep in my heart, since the age of 5 or 7, a boy who lived in a girl's body.

So life went on in a strange way. I lived my life as a butch lesbian for sixteen years to survive who I really was. I had too much fear and anger to come out as Sean Dean. For me to become honest I wanted to stop using drugs and alcohol. I went to detox for 10 days, then off to rehab for three months. Today, I'm six months clean and very proud, it hasn't been easy being clean in recovery. Sixteen years abusing myself on drugs and alcohol was a way of numbing out emotionally, spiritually and physically. I attend N.A. and A.A. meetings which is a tool in my life that reminds me that I am an addict. Also, I have therapy once a fortnight for dumping my emotions, fear and anger.

The past four months I've been strapping my breasts and wearing a prosthesis. This validates the way I feel. I will be starting testosterone in a few weeks which has been a long process. A day at a time, the big day will come.

The Gender Centre has been very helpful for me. A huge hug and very big thank you to Max for being there for me, through my journey to brotherhood. Also, thank you Jasper for being open minded and willing.

The bottom line is that I am human, and for the first time in my life I feel whole, inside myself.

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