Book Review

Reviewed by Katherine Cummings

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"Last Bed On Earth by Teri Louise Kelly.

Last Bed On Earth

by Teri Louise Kelly
Published by Wakefield Press, 2009 I.S.B.N. 978-1862548220

In Polare 77 I reviewed Teri Louise Kelly's first book, Sex, Knives and Bouillabaisse, which remains one of the funniest, raunchiest, maddest books I know. Hilarious, subversive, indecent and even informative! Now she has followed up with Last Bed on Earth which starts in the fair city of Auckland in 2002, meaning there is something of a gap between the end of the first book and the beginning of this one.

Teri has transitioned from male to female and is in a steady relationship with her dominatrix partner, Jo. Being the fortunate possessor of inside information I know there is another volume on the way, with a working title of American Blow Job set, as the title implies, in the United States, and deals with the transition time for Teri from cross-dressing maniac chef to dedicated maniac transgender gypsy.

As The Last Bed on Earth starts, however, Teri and Jo are in New Zealand having left Australia in haste with virtually no money. They look for work and find an advertisement for a Christchurch hostel seeking a management team. The clinker is that the hostel is looking for a couple to manage the gig, so Teri finds herself backtracking (no, not backpacking, pay attention!) to her male persona so that they can present themselves for the position.

I can't help feeling that the masquerade must have been half-hearted at best, since every second person sees Teri as female and she obstinately preserves womanly stigmata such as arched and plucked eyebrows and other female details of clothing, cosmetics and decoration.

Nonetheless they land the job and luckily are largely left to themselves, while the owners are off spending the income from the hostel on their lavish country estate.

Teri, between the first book and this one, appears to have accumulated a modicum of responsibility and, given her intelligence and energy, starts to run the hostel efficiently and ride roughshod, where necessary, or circumvent, where advisable, the various simian staff members and the more cantankerous and violent of the guests. Complications arise, of course. This would not be a Teri Louise Kelly epic without her female boss getting the hots for her (or, as far as she is concerned, "him") and trying to lure Teri into a communal hot tub ... a situation likely to expose Teri's masquerade rather conclusively. Perhaps the only person to be fully aware of Teri's real condition is her doctor who periodically checks Teri's blood and comes up with gems like: "Shut, Turri, your livils are all ever the shaw! Whut the hill is going on in your leaf?" She even suggests that Teri should go to the next stage of gender affirmation by removing her tackle completely. I'm guessing from hints and divagations that at this stage Teri had gone only as far as orchidectomy.

"She hands me a script for something, listens to my chest with her equipment, ... slaps my arse twice to check my blood flow and gives me a referral to a veterinary clinic that does cheap castrations. Shit yes, give me a good old-fashioned country doctor any day of the damned week."

There are insane, dishonest and irresponsible guests (mostly backpackers but some touristy groups) who keep Teri and Jo on their toes, and there is Dick, the crusty centenerian who acts as a surrogate (and highly dishonest) manager when Teri and Jo are doing something else.

There are guests who scarper in the night having converted their rooms into ice and ecstasy factories and a guest who seems to have died until Dick starts to give him the kiss of life, causing all hell to break loose.

There is a night fire alarm made even more exciting when the first fireman on the scene calls Teri "darling", causing her to realise that in the excitement she has appeared in public without her breast bindings, causing raised eyebrows all round.

Sorry, I can't go on. I'm laughing too much at all the mad memories. Buy it. Read it. Buy more copies and give them away. Make Teri write more of her life. I want more, I want to know everything! I want it all!

Polare is published in Australia by The Gender Centre Inc. which is funded by the Department of Community Services under the S.A.A.P. Program and supported by the N.S.W. Health Department through the AIDS and Infectious Diseases Branch. Polare provides a forum for discussion and debate on gender issues. Advertisers are advised that all advertising is their responsibility under the Trade Practices Act. Unsolicited contributions are welcome, though no guarantee is made by the Editor that they will be published, nor any discussion entered into. The editor reserves the right to edit such contributions without notification. Any submission which appears in Polare may be published on our internet site. Opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, The Gender Centre Inc.I, the Department of Community Services or the N.S.W. Department of Health.