Counsellor's Column

by Abby Aguirre

(The Gender Centre advise that this article may not be current and as such certain content, including but not limited to persons, contact details and dates may not apply. Where legal authority or medical related matters are cited, responsibility lies with the reader to obtain the most current relevant legal authority and/or medical publication.)

Dear Katherine, readers of Polare, Gender Centre friends - past, present, future.

How are you? Greetings from the new counsellor. How has life been treating you?

I'm Okay. "One day at a time" is my motto.

Katherine, when you asked me to write something for the next edition of Polare I felt ... a bit panicky. I experienced a sense of pressure - as if I were back in school and my teacher were asking me to submit a 1,500 word essay. There you were, waiting for my response and I looked at you, suspecting a joke, expecting to see your "quizzical, questioning expression", but your expression was a serious one. How could I, new to the Centre, impart any pearls of wisdom in a piece of writing to you all? What was expected of me? How would you, Katherine, who have written an award-winning book, judge my words, judge me? What did I say in response to your request? Did I mumble, as I tend to do when I'm a bit in awe of someone, (or tired)?

Then as I was driving alone a day or two later, it came to me. I would write you a letter, a letter to you all, and share something of my experience with the people who have welcomed me, those who have trusted me and those who might be curious or interested to know something of me.

So, bear with me while I reminisce and reflect.

Do you remember the first time you came to the Gender Centre? I do remember my first visit. It was mid-November and it was a damp, rainy day. I'm familiar with the area so found my way easily enough. I drove into Morgan Street looking for 75. Parking was no problem. What a sweet relief in a city that has so much restricted parking nowadays. There it was, no sign displaying it, just a regular house - much like the other houses in the street, except more lush, and with an air of ... mystery. I walked up the steep steps towards the security grille and as I did so I felt like a little girl entering an unknown place.

What did I expect? I didn't really have any expectations. I was welcomed by Elizabeth Anne and was put at ease by her friendly greeting. Then I was introduced to Elizabeth Riley, and, indeed felt very small again in the presence of her tall stature, style and grace. Her pleasant manner reassured me. I was invited to have a cup of tea. I relaxed. The offer of a cup of tea is such a homely and welcoming gesture. I went to the kitchen and it felt very familiar. I almost went to the sink to see if there was any washing-up to be done. Then we went into the counselling room.

Now, since I walked up those steps three months ago, life has brought its ups and downs and in betweens. I started a new job, the weather became hotter, I went to a reunion in a faraway town and saw friends there I hadn't seen in over twenty-five years, there was the staff Christmas lunch full of wit, good cheer and merriment. I said goodbye to my elderly relative, a W.W.I.I. veteran, and cried for the passing of his life, my loss, and the end of an era, we farewelled Elizabeth Anne and wished her well on her venture. Sydney started to empty; Christmas came; Kerry Packer died; the New Year came; I made a New Year's resolution to walk more; Federer won the tennis; people returned from holidays; children went back to school or started school for the first time while parents happily waved them off, or, worrying, shed a few tears; the roads were busier, my refrigerator broke; Felicity Huffman won a Golden Globe for her role in "TransAmerica"; and I went to see "Menopause the Musical" and while people around me cheered and applauded the actors' enactment and acknowledgement of this rite of passage, this change, I held back the tears for all those hormones surging, or not surging, through us.

Life is complex. I tell my friends that I crave simplicity, and I do, but something drives me in the opposite direction - towards life's challenges. Duality. Complexity. People are complex beings, don't you think? We love one another, we hate one another, and sometimes, maybe often, we try to help.

In my counselling role at the Gender Centre I have been entrusted to help by providing a moment in time, a bubble in space, a room in a house, in which you can be heard and in which you can explore your wishes, hopes, concerns.

Katherine, you wrote that "problems obey the rules of perspective - up close they look bigger". Those words stay with me ... I think that's the reason our eyesight, generally speaking, becomes weaker as we become older. Ageing or weak eyes have a different perspective " they create a mellow view. I've heard that Monet saw the world through cataracts and from this idiosyncratic artistic perspective created Impressionism. When I put my glasses on and look in a mirror at myself in the sunlight or when I see myself through the eyes of my children, I'm taken aback. They see what I can't see, or only what I can see with my glasses on in the sunlight and even then our perspectives are different. How will those closest to us deal with how we want to see ourselves, how we want them to see us, our secrets, our well-hidden desires, suppressed and sublimated, our true nature, the changes happening in us, to us? How will their perception of us change? Will they accept us? Perhaps they can, if we dare to express ourselves; but then it may be that if those closest to us accept us, society won't. Sometimes it may be that the whole looks too big, and those closest to us, especially ourselves, can see only the enormity of the "problem"; or it may be that society or the group at large feels threatened by a small difference, a singular being, uniqueness, individuality, difference. Why is this so? How do we gain a certain perspective? How do we perceive the world around us? How does the process of perception work? I checked the definition in "Essential Psychology": " In every case, the process of perception involves a complex interplay of receptors and central nervous system functions." (Cohen, 1994. page 164). A clinical explanation that makes humans seem rather robotic. It says nothing of our "heart and soul" response when we're moved by a painting, scenery, a particular scene. But I guess my personal acknowledgement of this complex, seemingly clinical process, is my acceptance of the complexity of life and people, my appreciation of the richness and variety that life offers and the varied ways in which we perceive it, and is the reason I try to foster in myself an attitude of "take one step at a time and remember to breathe" - for at times this variety and complexity of life, of us, can be overwhelming.

Enough of my ramblings. That's just an "in between" comment. A filler. A marking time expression. A linker. Word count: 1,298. Are you counting? One word at a time, one phrase, one sentence, one paragraph, and the closer I get to the goal " the target.

What else can I say? What can I tell you about me? Particularly those of you who have shared so much with me.

I love gardens and nature. I love looking up at the soaring sweeping birds. I love the slowness of snails and I try not to tread on them as they make their steady paths. I try not to run into the spider's web in my yard. I love to stand back and marvel at the intricacy of the spider's creation.

As for my counselling role, I trust that my attitude, training, skills, experience and integrity serve you (those of you who seek this service) well.

By the way, my refrigerator is working again. Word count: 1,443. That's all I can manage for now.

Polare is published in Australia by The Gender Centre Inc. which is funded by the Department of Community Services under the S.A.A.P. Program and supported by the N.S.W. Health Department through the AIDS and Infectious Diseases Branch. Polare provides a forum for discussion and debate on gender issues. Advertisers are advised that all advertising is their responsibility under the Trade Practices Act. Unsolicited contributions are welcome, though no guarantee is made by the Editor that they will be published, nor any discussion entered into. The editor reserves the right to edit such contributions without notification. Any submission which appears in Polare may be published on our internet site. Opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, The Gender Centre Inc.I, the Department of Community Services or the N.S.W. Department of Health.