The Road Less Travelled

by J, D, N and T.

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No, I'm not talking about the difficult road we all know so well, but the even harder way that is taken by those of us who choose to turn back, because they cannot bear to hurt the ones they love and who love them. They sacrifice their own dream of happiness ... possibly jeopardise their very survival ... for the sake of that love. They take a harder and more admirable way. These thoughts of mine were inspired by a valedictory letter from an Internet list. With the writer's permission I reproduce it here:

This is surprisingly hard to write, and I've been putting it off for days.

I'm saying goodbye to all my transgender e-mail lists.

I had become convinced I was transsexual and had intended to start my transition as soon as was practical.

The rather sudden turning point from this path came at a visit to my counsellor with my wife. It was only then that I became fully aware, at an emotional rather than intellectual level, of the distress my wife was going through. Her pain was more out of concern for our children than for herself, but she was also anxious that the course I was on was unlikely to bring me happiness and fulfillment.

Before I slept that night, I realised I could not carry on. I felt I had more to lose than I had to gain. Having decided this, it has been surprisingly easy to let go of my wishes and to accept myself as a man again.

There is a lot of healing to be done in my relationship with my wife, and I expect this will take some time, and that things will never be quite the same as before. Happily the children were never aware of what was happening.

This leaves me with a few questions to ponder about my own identity.

Was I transsexual, or just on a mid-life escape trip? I'm not sure how worthwhile it would be to go into this.

I will be unsubscribing from this list in the next two or three days. I've been very grateful for the support I've had here. What I have been helped to realise is that we are all unique, and only we can ultimately decide what is right for ourselves.

I wish all of you the very best, whatever journey you are on.

With love,

J

And these are a few of the responses (also reprinted with permission)

...I would like to wish you all the very best and hope that everything works out for you and your wife. The decision you have reached is very courageous and I applaud you for having the courage to look at yourself and your circumstances and making it... - "D"

That was a very difficult decision to come to. I do hope you and your wife can find a path to happiness and that things work out for you and your family... "N"

That was one of the bravest posts I've seen, you deserve great credit ... at the end of the day you have to be honest with yourself ... I hope you can rebuild your relationship with your wife and you both come out of this stronger ... "T"

You can keep your Pride Marches and Pride Balls. The love and determination in J's farewell letter and the supportive compassion in the responses are the qualities that make me proud to belong in this community ... Katherine Cummings

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