My View

Suicide: A Painful Reality

by Sarah J. Rutherford

(The Gender Centre advise that this article may not be current and as such certain content, including but not limited to persons, contact details and dates may not apply. Where legal authority or medical related matters are cited, responsibility lies with the reader to obtain the most current relevant legal authority and/or medical publication.)

Suicide, It's not a nice thing, but it is a reality for many people in the Transsexual community, as proven by the many who have tried and failed, and those who sadly, succeeded.

The truth is, the suicide rate among our community is unacceptably high and reflects the many difficulties most of us face as we try not only to transition, but go on to rebuild our lives. It naturally follows that we also would like to live them happily as our real selves, not the facile apparition that society forced upon because of what is between our legs, instead of what is between our ears. Crude, but succinct, society expects too much, and people suffer because of such absurdity.

As one who has lived with the idea of suicide since she was eight, I can understand some of the problems and reasons for its cause. Many suicides are not premeditated, but spontaneous, perhaps because of an event, illness, or chronic pain from injuries, family break-up, or a multitude of other reasons.

Often the suicide happens while the person is not completely rational, but more often from frustration, anger, a feeling that whatever the future brings, the desired outcome will never be reachable. If suicidal thoughts are a partner to being TS, then one must also make allowances also for depression, which in itself can exacerbate all problems and make everything seem totally beyond control or reach.

Depression is an illness, not just an odd sensation between the ears, or for that matter, a human failing and weakness. Depression is a killer, and many people have it and are unaware of the fact. The fact that society views depression in a negative way, as a failing of people in some cases, does not help people who suffer from it. Being transsexual and deeply depressed is a recipe for trouble and danger, danger which people should always be aware of.

It is hard not to be negative when we live with so much negativity in our lives. For some it's a problematic or abusive childhood, for other it's a lack of tolerance from the public at large, including former peers, old friends, family, work or other involvement in the community. However there are other areas which sadly, need better educating.

Take the churches for instance, in many cases, especially those of a more fundamental nature, the lack of knowledge of transsexual problems and difficulties, is almost on the ridiculous level, their ignorance of us borders on the stupid. For them we are evil, possessed of the devil, or any other form of nonsense. Get baptized they claim, and be saved and cured all at the same time. Oh, by the way, many claim God didn't make us, we're a product of our own lack of faith, etc.

Justice Kirby, in a recent documentary on S.B.S., regarding Gay hate, stated clearly that church leaders especially, should not preach such rubbish and untruths from the pulpit. In doing so they instill a sense of righteousness in some of their parishioners, and that can, and sometimes does, lead to acts of minor abuse, right up to violence and complete intolerance.

The reality is they flout the laws of discrimination by, putting it bluntly, preaching a form of hatred and vilification, which like the bible, some of their flock take literally without forethought of discussion. It comes from the leaders, therefore how can it be wrong.

What Justice Kirby made quite clear, was the fact that change is happening, like it or not, and it was time for a lot of organisations and people to make an effort to get into the twenty first century, instead of hiding in the inadequate mentality of the first. Tolerance, truth and understanding do not come from people espousing lies or misrepresentations based on nothing more than convenient misinterpretation, intolerance, ignorance or blatant bigotry.

There are other pressures upon us however. Parental, dislocation from family and friends in order for us to be as we should be. Isolation and ostracisation, can have devastating effects on people who have until their transition starting, led often fairly safe, if not perfect lives. Stability is a firm casualty of being transsexual, and going through the transition. How can anyone be expected to re-build their life, when all around the world they knew is crumbling, as rejection after rejection pushes them into greater isolation.

Job loss, family loss, environment loss, social losses, i.e., clubs, watering holes, coaching or playing sports or martial arts, even rejection from their own faith, general community involvement at all levels. It's worth noting for those who use religious argument against us, that Jesus Christ went out into the wilderness voluntarily, we get tossed into the human wilderness, not just for days, but usually years, maybe even half our lives, because we tell the truth about ourselves.

Our honesty is not respected, but punished, but while we lied or hid the truth about being transsexual, society praised us. Is it any wonder then that some find it all too much and take what some would say, is the easy way out. Take it from someone who has been there and done that, suicide is not always easy, otherwise we would never have failures!

To add to this list of minor problems we transsexual folk suffer, there is also the spectre of those who had bad childhoods. Being raised in children's homes, or other institutions, often abused, scarred for life because the system that supposedly protected them, failed miserably, and probably hasn't changed a great deal in recent years. On the other hand some grew up in sound homes, with God fearing parents, who didn't understand what the hell was the problem, except their son/daughter suddenly went weird and wanted to change sex!

So much for outside concerns, but what of the inner struggle, the screaming need to change and be free, instead of being locked up in a body that makes no sense. As a kid my transsexual feelings emerged when I was four, by eight I understood all too well what the problem was, and the struggle was ... well, use your imagination.

How are the young expected to cope with the need to change to their real selves. I am forty nine, and I still struggle in many ways with myself, though thankfully the difficulties are not generally with the gender circumstance. Persistent public disapproval, at all levels is painful, but so is finding the money I need to find to fulfill my dream and give me a real chance to start life as the complete me.

Money is always a problem with many transsexual people, the high cost of surgery and drugs, and other needs, is always difficult, more so for those who find getting work almost impossible. How many people get through the transition to the point of surgery, but then simply never complete the journey, because they cannot earn, borrow or raise the money? Perhaps Governments should consider a little more about our needs.

Indeed some suicides could be prevented if more funds were available, such as low interest loans to approved applicants, whose means exclude them from the usual sources of money. For every transsexual person who goes through surgery, how many don't, simply for lack of funds? How many take their lives because it seems that option is all they have left?

Okay, so much for the reasons and probable causes of suicide, how do we change things for the better? How do we give people who are at risk of suicide, a better chance to survive, to cope, to make their journey through transition a successful one?

Do we need better counselling, more counsellors, more places where such services can be reached, and easily? Telephone lines, agony aunts, or even the net, what is to stop someone opening a help line for transsexual people with problems? It might sound crazy, but when it comes to saving lives, anything is worth a try.

Perhaps we should attempt to raise the public understanding, with more exposure of transsexual issues, and better facts about the real problems we face, the losses we suffer, and the pain we go through. The truth would be a welcome break from the usual clap trap and media beat ups that usually cater more for sensational viewer pleasure.

Should there be more publications available dealing with the human side of being transsexual, not just the medical jargon and material that seems to just about fill the internet. Is there room for educational intervention at some stage during a person's school life? Surely by the time a person reaches fifteen or sixteen, they all too well know what differences there are in the community, but by then their ideas may well be ill-informed, fixed and immutable.

Perhaps education of the differences at all levels of human life, including gays and transsexual people, would make life for people like us a damn sight more tolerable. There again if we educated the negative aspect out of being different, everyone who is different would benefit.

Is there room for more medical expose of the condition, and it is a recognised medical condition. Perhaps doctors in the know should be more extrovert and forthright about their understanding, especially to colleagues still ignorant or indifferent to the fact. Would national conferencing be out of the question? Bringing together not just the professionals, but transsexual people, their kin and anyone else in the community with an interest to create change or understand the real side of being transsexual. To discuss all manner of issues, and to try to find answers or solutions, options or compromises.

If the suicide rate is high, it is because services don't exist where they should, are grossly inadequate or mental health service people have little or no understanding of us. We don't want to be women, we are women!!

Internally we could have better communication between transsexual organisations, groups, support networks, etc. Not only for talking, but sharing information, building a national database that could possibly cover every problem or difficulty with being transsexual. Why we could eventually create a transsexual guide, everything you wanted to know about being transsexual, and were too bloody scared to ask, or didn't know who to ask or where to go. Let's be honest, the more open the exposure, the more information that is made available, surely the better it will eventually be, if not for us now, but everyone in our future. Isn't that a target worth aiming at?

Enough said, I have probably exasperated the point to exhaustion, but with good intention.

Suicide is a reality for many of us, so why the hell can't we find a way to make it no longer an option? If change is going to happen, we must keep abreast of the difficulties it will inevitably bring, and we must be prepared to work together not only for our own benefit, but all those yet to follow our path.

It is one thing to have a wealth of knowledge, it is another not to share it, or make it clear to all with eyes to read. Whether by the net, books, leaflets, posters, films, television, radio, papers, mags', whatever, there are channels out there we could use to our advantage, so what is to stop us, aside from a little prejudice and intolerance, a little ignorance and fear, or even a culture of misunderstanding and fabrications.

If you don't talk, you cannot tell, if you don't write, how can others read, and if you don't share, how can anyone be expected to understand?

We have the means, we have the desire, we have a great need, all we have to do is have a determination to get out and do everything we can in the future to make our lives that little bit easier.

Too many have died, be that one or a thousand, it is too many, and also bear this in mind, for everyone who makes it to the start of transition, how many never do, or are too fearful to try? How many of those commit suicide and no one knows why? I don't want to even try and calculate what numbers might be involved, because the only number I want to see in the future, where it asks for the statistic on transsexual related suicides, is ... 0, no greater.

Let's encourage and support life and success, not have to bury our friends who failed, because society failed to be tolerant, caring, or understanding of what it is like, to be different.

Polare is published in Australia by The Gender Centre Inc. which is funded by the Department of Community Services under the S.A.A.P. Program and supported by the N.S.W. Health Department through the AIDS and Infectious Diseases Branch. Polare provides a forum for discussion and debate on gender issues. Advertisers are advised that all advertising is their responsibility under the Trade Practices Act. Unsolicited contributions are welcome, though no guarantee is made by the Editor that they will be published, nor any discussion entered into. The editor reserves the right to edit such contributions without notification. Any submission which appears in Polare may be published on our internet site. Opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, The Gender Centre Inc.I, the Department of Community Services or the N.S.W. Department of Health.