My Story

Trapped

by Liesha

(The Gender Centre advise that this article may not be current and as such certain content, including but not limited to persons, contact details and dates may not apply. Where legal authority or medical related matters are cited, responsibility lies with the reader to obtain the most current relevant legal authority and/or medical publication.)

... he returned with the threat to kill me if I ever spoke about wanting to be female again.

H

i, my name is Leisha and this is my story. I identify as a transsexual lesbian pre-op.

It all started in a middle-class suburb in Melbourne some 17 years ago. At the tend age of 10 I found that I was different from the other kids in that I was female and was wrongly dressed as the girls were wearing skirts, but me trousers, I wanted to wear what the girls were wearing. I would have rather me go to school with plaits in my hair, tights, a school skirt and gloves, it was not to be.

I made one mistake telling my father at 10 years old that I wanted to become a female; what a mistake that was, he returned with the threat to kill me if I ever spoke about wanting to be female again.

When I turned 11 years old my parents separated with a horrible results with my father dragging my mother through the courts for 7 years.

By the age of 13 I was a role model for my 7 year old brother, then to make things worse I was sent to a college in outer eastern Melbourne, my feelings of femaleness became stronger everyday I knew then I was very different to the others.

Privately I would dress in female clothes during my teenage years from 13-18 years old, during those I ran away a lot too.

For 5 years I spend at the college. At 13 years old I was sexually abused, that left an emotional and physical wound on me for life. This I carried around for 16 years, until I told my psychologist this deep dark secret.

When I turned 15 year old my father had a road accident causing brain damage and memory loss.

At 18 years old I begun my journey to womanhood with a clinic dealing with transgender issues, while undergoing treatment which has expanded over 9 years, I worked as a Electrical fitter in a straight job for 6 years which seem great, but it was not a female role area to be in. The Clinic ran many tests even to this day still no decision, except confirmation that 3 of the 6 panel members are in favour of me having surgery in the future.

Between the ages of 10 and 25 I lived with my mother, my mother knew about my yearnings to be female, but she never helped me when I was young to deal with these feelings. At the age of 19 years old I also started a Electrical Apprenticeship to block my feelings it didn't work.

On dark winters night in August of 1998 in front of my mother and bent friend told all, female hormone treatment, sex-change yearnings the lot. My mother hit roof, her reaction was to put me in a mental ward to try to cure me of these ideas, so to my supposed bent friend as well.

From here on in my life was made difficult by my mother and some friends are so standoffish. I live now, live life by this: If it is to be it is up to me.

17 years have past by so quickly, so fast only now I face final decisions from my judges Dr. P and Dr. C., Dr. K., Dr. B. Breast augmentation is only months away. My transition has being hard fill with pitfalls, ups and downs and all around so has my life. When I look back some said to me "is it all worth it" and it's not over until I reach the peak, when I reach that goal S.R.S. to rewrite what natural wrongly gave me the wrong body but a little of my past will remain inside only.

I have fallen in love and out of love over the past 17 years to have a partner to share your feelings with right now would be heaven on earth, but the waiting game is still there (S.R.S.).

Why? Because it was destiny to become a female, that is I am a female. I remember cutting the cake at my 21st birthday and wishing that my breasts would grow bigger that wish didn't happen instead I was trapped in a male body with a female body trapped inside wanting to get out. I kept this secret very close to my chest away friends, etc. if they had found out the likelihood of being bashed was very high.

Years past the yearn inside of me became more tense it was only a matter of time before the bubble would burst. I then decided to leave my trade and go into something, what a mistake that was a transsexual amongst country folk it was the first time I was threaten outside my family by someone who was so narrow-minded about things, the change from working to study was a mistake going to college in the country, then changing at the age of 25 years old to security work which at times has it's own challenges in life. I began the long road to changing what was wrong to right for 9 months I kept my female hormone treatment secret from my mother the changes occurred instantly, things started to happen so I left and moved in with a friend who was understanding to me and understanding about what I was going through.

As for my mother she will never never accept my decision as a female not even try to understand me at all, for some friends acceptance is already there with understanding to a point.

To those who venture into this world change of direction comes at price, for some of us change brings new life, others hardship.

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