Gender Mirrors

by Gianna E. Israel

(The Gender Centre advise that this article may not be current and as such certain content, including but not limited to persons, contact details and dates may not apply. Where legal authority or medical related matters are cited, responsibility lies with the reader to obtain the most current relevant legal authority and/or medical publication.)

Wave you run into the gender mirror lately? What happened when you looked at your reflection? Did you see a man, woman, transgender person? Sometimes looking at our reflection can be disappointing, other times exhilarating.

A lot happens each time we look into any mirror. Certainly we see our reflection. However if we linger long enough we can also see other things. Seeing one's reflection can spark memories of who we are and where we've been. This includes our disappointments and successes perhaps. Our reflection can also spark ideas about what and where we would like to be in the future.

I grew to enjoy seeing those masculine traits as long as they didn't cause problems

Many transgender men and women feel very dissatisfied when they look in the mirror. Occasionally seeing the remnants of their previous gender role may make them feel regrets for what they could not experience in their former lives. Some also feel bad about remnants of their old gender because of others opinions. They may have been told that they didn't give their original gender role a chance to work, and so try to fit in, making their life more difficult.

As a transgender woman I am quite pleased to have lived as myself, as a woman, for many of the past years. Before then, for a number of years, I disliked looking in the mirror and seeing traits of masculinity. However as my life became more settled I grew to enjoy seeing those masculine traits as long as they didn't cause problems. After all, how many women could profess to having both pretty and tomboyish traits.

Granted, I realize some people may view my reflections as different. There are occasions when looking in the mirror can be acutely painful. For some, the gender may be wrong. Or, perhaps a person's facial structure isn't as wished. Sometimes a person may just be having a bad hair day. There are other reasons why it can be hard to look in the mirror. These can include some outside reason, or possibly some inner hurt not noticeable by others.

Can you think of outside reasons a person may not like looking in the mirror? If you are like many of my clients and myself, I bet you can list half a dozen reasons. At the top of the list is harassment and persecution. It's sometimes hard to feel good while looking in the mirror while much of the world is saying we look ugly, deviant, or should die. Those people are giving us the message that they don't care about our feelings and that is emotionally devastating at times.

Some of the internal or inside reasons a person may find it painful to look in the mirror are easy to understand. A person may not feel comfortable with their gender presentation because of its newness. Or, the person may suffer from depression or lack of confidence. The fact is, it isn't easy being transgendered. Building the self-esteem needed to feel good about yourself when the world is against you is very hard work! There are a lot of issues to focus and think about before feeling good about oneself is possible.

One of the questions I encourage my counseling clients to ask when they look in the mirror goes as follows: Is this a person I find lovable and respectable? If the answer is yes, you have a head start into asking that others treat you with the same respect that you give yourself (and hopefully others). However, if the answer is no, you would be well-served to keep looking in the mirror until you can pinpoint lovable and respectable traits unique to you.

Sometimes it isn't possible to find an overwhelming number of lovable and respectable traits immediately. I know personally, during difficult times I may have felt comfortable with my gender identity, however finding other positive traits wasn't so easy. It took several serious minutes of reflection. Sometimes I found it necessary to call a friend I trust and tell them I was having an identity crisis.

An identity crisis happens most frequently when you look in the mirror and say, who or what the hell is that? Is that a freak? Is that a complete stranger? During times like this don't call 911! Instead, remind yourself that you are not alone in the search for who you are. Everyone else does the same thing, sooner or later, transgender or not. Take time to learn what is good about yourself. Once you figure a few positive things out, tape a note or list right next to your mirror. Think about what the list says, and become accustomed to feeling and seeing what is good about you.

I like self-identity mirror exercises. Perhaps the neatest one goes as follows. Some morning before you put on your clothing and face for the day, take a moment to look in the mirror. This nude reflection you see is who you really are. You are that much a man, woman, transgender person and human. What I like most is that we can add to and take away from various presentations and appearances. We are gifted with the ability to transition from wild and exotic to sensible and sociable in a manner of minutes with just a change of wardrobe and make-up. Learn to recognize this flexibility in yourself. Take into consideration the fact that the more flexible and willing to change that you are, the more adaptive you will become while dealing with life's circumstances.

Polare is published in Australia by The Gender Centre Inc. which is funded by the Department of Community Services under the S.A.A.P. Program and supported by the N.S.W. Health Department through the AIDS and Infectious Diseases Branch. Polare provides a forum for discussion and debate on gender issues. Advertisers are advised that all advertising is their responsibility under the Trade Practices Act. Unsolicited contributions are welcome, though no guarantee is made by the Editor that they will be published, nor any discussion entered into. The editor reserves the right to edit such contributions without notification. Any submission which appears in Polare may be published on our internet site. Opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, The Gender Centre Inc.I, the Department of Community Services or the N.S.W. Department of Health.