My Story

by Jessica Elizabeth Blair

(The Gender Centre advise that this article may not be current and as such certain content, including but not limited to persons, contact details and dates may not apply. Where legal authority or medical related matters are cited, responsibility lies with the reader to obtain the most current relevant legal authority and/or medical publication.)

Today I am writing this account of my life. I hope that it will help someone else escape their gender prison. To my belief I was born a girl in a male body. Although my female side soon came out.

I was happiest when in my sister's clothing and make-up. When my father caught me wearing a dress I received the first of many bitter floggings. At school playing girl's games brought more thrashings. I never like rough boy's games such as football, cricket, and soccer. Girl's games like skipping and hopscotch were more my style. My family fought my sexuality and was utterly and thoroughly hostile and not supportive in any way at all.

I kept my female side bottled up and well corked because my family would not try to understand. I hid my female side behind men talk of girls and sex. I went out with girls but pretended to myself, that I was female and they were male. Although it really freaked, some of them out when it came to sex (because I can't have normal sex). Although some of my friends who are call girls tease me at times, by offering sex, they're very supportive and understanding.

The bottle burst in my late teens with attempted auto-castration and suicide. They said I was non compos mentis for a week. I recovered and was committed to a psychiatric centre (a malicious hell hole). After a week or so of psychiatry including E.C.T. and other very nasty treatments I was discharged.

After my discharge the cork went back in and to suppress any female feelings I threw myself into my work. Until in 1976, when I made another self mutilation and suicide attempt that was unsuccessful. My brother found me and although the pills were pumped out I was sick for a week. So back to Parramatta for three more months of nasties.

My family is not supportive and still fighting my sexuality. A few years ago I was banned from their homes and totally disowned. I decided to change sex and gender I now live as a woman but as I'm in the middle of a legal battle my name cannot be legally changed until after a settlement is reached. Then I'll be able to pay for the operations and treatment.

I tried several psychiatrists, most just wanted to give me anti-depressants or psychiatric treatments. I finally found a good psychiatrist who is very supportive and easy to talk to. With the help and support of the Gender Centre, and my endocrinologist, maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Now I have my referral in hand and although the setbacks keep coming. The doctors constantly say we need just one more referral or letter. I'm still eagerly waiting for my trans gender operation - soon I hope.

I am still recognised by neighbours and acquaintances no matter how I dress and make myself up. Assaults and beatings, I've had my share. After being recognised by a neighbours wife in the ladies' toilets I received another bashing. I'm moving to a different area so I will not be recognised as I have lived in Mount Druitt for over 30 years and very well known around the local shops and bus services.

Polare is published in Australia by The Gender Centre Inc. which is funded by the Department of Community Services under the S.A.A.P. Program and supported by the N.S.W. Health Department through the AIDS and Infectious Diseases Branch. Polare provides a forum for discussion and debate on gender issues. Advertisers are advised that all advertising is their responsibility under the Trade Practices Act. Unsolicited contributions are welcome, though no guarantee is made by the Editor that they will be published, nor any discussion entered into. The editor reserves the right to edit such contributions without notification. Any submission which appears in Polare may be published on our internet site. Opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, The Gender Centre Inc.I, the Department of Community Services or the N.S.W. Department of Health.