I Felt Alive

by Matt

(The Gender Centre advise that this article may not be current and as such certain content, including but not limited to persons, contact details and dates may not apply. Where legal authority or medical related matters are cited, responsibility lies with the reader to obtain the most current relevant legal authority and/or medical publication.)

To the Editor

I would like to thank you for sending me your publication. I find it informative and tantalising. However, I ask you to cease sending them because I am in a position where my mail gets intercepted.

I have had a marijuana addiction for some time, and at the moment I am in a recovery programme. So therefore there is a good chance that my mail will be inspected before I receive it. I do not have the courage yet to openly admit my cross-dressing. I would like to correspond with you in the future, but at the moment I cannot. I would like to share my story with you now though.

Basically I got interested in my fetish when I was about 11 - 12 years old. I found some of my sister's panties and was very aroused by their soft and comfortable feel. I would sneak into her room (when she was out) and try on stockings, skirts and dresses, and experiment with her make-up. The feelings I got were very exhilarating and wonderful. I started to "dress-up" more and more until the age of 14 - 15, it had become a weekly routine of cross-dressing. Nobody else knew though. This went on for a while and at about 18 years of age I decided to walk anonymously in public while I was dressed in full drag. Wow! I felt so alive.

I kept up my private cross-dressing sessions fairly consistently and I occasionally purchased frocks, panties, pantyhose etc. I would love to admire the clothes in women's clothes shops. I have a lot of envy for women, as they get to wear lovely outfits, cosmetics, comfortable underclothes etc. My second public excursion happened on the night of Mardi Gras 1994. I hired a motel room and I shopped for bras, panties and cosmetics, I also hired a dress, wig, false boobs, high heels and fishnet stockings, I felt so feminine, I was in pure ecstasy as I admired myself in full drag.

That night, I only stayed in the car as I drove around, but it was still a wonderful thrill. Since then I have cross-dressed now and then, but still nobody knows, except for you and a certain sex counselor. Incidentally, he told me it was fine what I was doing, mainly because it was passive and a fairly popular past time. I am now still keen on cross-dressing, although I haven't had a chance to do it whilst I am in rehab. I have a girlfriend who is unaware of my fetish, but that issue I will deal with in time. I frequently have fantasies of being dressed up and receiving anal sex from a man, and me giving him oral sex. I hope to one day try this. Yes, I certainly envy women.

I do not have the courage right now to publicly admit my dilemma. However, after this rehabilitation programme, I am sure I would have dealt with my addictions and feelings, so then I can get honest about any decisions I choose to make. Once again, thank you for sending me your magazine, I deeply appreciate it, it made me feel more comfortable and it reassured me against my insecurities, as well as aroused and entertained me. I shall write to you in the future for another subscription, till then ...

Polare is published in Australia by The Gender Centre Inc. which is funded by the Department of Community Services under the S.A.A.P. Program and supported by the N.S.W. Health Department through the AIDS and Infectious Diseases Branch. Polare provides a forum for discussion and debate on gender issues. Advertisers are advised that all advertising is their responsibility under the Trade Practices Act. Unsolicited contributions are welcome, though no guarantee is made by the Editor that they will be published, nor any discussion entered into. The editor reserves the right to edit such contributions without notification. Any submission which appears in Polare may be published on our internet site. Opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, The Gender Centre Inc.I, the Department of Community Services or the N.S.W. Department of Health.