The Middle Way

by Giselle Galadriel

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Whank you for accepting my article for I believe it is important for others who may be experiencing immense psychological pain to know there are others who cannot accept the unfulfilling femininity that male to female transsexuality offers.

My gender dysphoria has claimed years and years of a desperately lonely life, at every turn I face it.

I have had few sexual experiences or partners, and have no children. And now the loss of my fertility, although expected, leaves an enormous gap. Could there be anything less feminine than hurting our bodies rather than nurturing them?

The knowledge to understand my condition was hard won over 28 years, for I never masculinized. Not at the age of 4 or even 14. Ever since I have been asking - why?

My Father was in pain due to his amputated leg. He was usually absent as he worked 80 miles away. He came home on the weekends drunk and abusive. I found this an intrusion into my life. It was so stressful I contracted rheumatic fever at the age of 4.

My Mother, a nurse, nursed me at home against doctors orders. For 6 months I couldn't move a muscle or even blink hard. I lost my sense of self and never found a deep autonomy from her. Instead I moulded myself on her to the point that I am also female to my core. At 13 I was already dressing in her clothes without anyone knowing. Life became lonely and difficult. I have tortured myself endlessly. I am now 40.

The contradictions have wounded me. Every time I talk, every time I look at my body or try to assert my identity. I have believed that in order to have a self, I must have a gender. I have been on hormones for 10 years in total.

How can I find the peace of mind we all desire? The only model that has led to any peace is to believe, after years of denial, that we have both female and male energies.

My male energies waged war on God, yet to no avail. He will defend Geselle like a medieval knight. He does not know how to stop the war. Yet he is in love with all things female so his male libido is focused inward as envy, never as lust. He does not know how to relate to women as male.

Hormones have helped feminize my body, but my low self-esteem regarding my body is only marginally helped. In fact it is even hindered by the side effects of the hormones giving me even more psychological pain.

To start your puberty and know you can never complete it is close to a nightmare to me. To be taken almost to womanhood only to be dumped out of reach is frustrating beyond my endurance. I do not accept the blood on the surgeons knife as my menstrual blood.

So I must change! Or I will go insane or commit suicide without choice.

I now realise that only by listening to my internal female can I ever hope to resolve my gender dysphoria. She must also learn not to feel insulted if I am acknowledged as male. For I honour my internal male energies so as to stop the battle. So he can be of use to me. So that I may balance myself.

As far as sexuality, I feel that I must surrender and enjoy the lack of male sexual energy and be satisfied to be a celibate asexual androgyne. For my genitals no longer have libidonized meaning for me.

My female need can never be met. But I have a mother inside aching to nurture a child. I must nurture a very frightened four year old and lead them so they have a chance to grow into a whole person.

And I must find some peace before the sexless dirt shall wrap us all.

Polare is published in Australia by The Gender Centre Inc. which is funded by the Department of Community Services under the S.A.A.P. Program and supported by the N.S.W. Health Department through the AIDS and Infectious Diseases Branch. Polare provides a forum for discussion and debate on gender issues. Advertisers are advised that all advertising is their responsibility under the Trade Practices Act. Unsolicited contributions are welcome, though no guarantee is made by the Editor that they will be published, nor any discussion entered into. The editor reserves the right to edit such contributions without notification. Any submission which appears in Polare may be published on our internet site. Opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, The Gender Centre Inc.I, the Department of Community Services or the N.S.W. Department of Health.